You can’t make this shit up.

The actual story isn’t even that interesting, but I think the headline is pretty funny.

Trapped Drunk NZ Driver Cracks Another Beer

The newspaper quoted defense lawyer Peter Young as telling the court when Sneddon found he could not open the doors, ”he had nothing else to do at that point, so he had another beer.”

That takes balls. Or idiocy.

Republican congressman Joe Barton actually apologized to BP for the US government holding them responsible for the largest offshore spill in U.S. history because they simply chose profit over safety.

Barton: I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation could be subject to what I would characterize as a shakedown. In this case a $20 billion shakedown.

Then Barton told BP’s Hayward: “I apologize.”

(Source: KERA)

After realizing that he was making himself seriously unpopular, however, he… apologized for the apology. People (his party, Joe Biden, and others) had to point this out to him, of course, because the idiot is so out of touch he couldn’t find his ass with both hands and even then his head might get in the way.

But let’s not stop at apologizing to BP, he’s also apologized to AT&T and Comcast now (he must be catholic).

Can’t get enough of Joe Barton’s apologies? Click HERE for more!

This man is a true hero.

Heroic Skydiving Instructor Saves Life

Skydiving instructor Dave Hartsock was paralyzed when he took saved his student, and took the brunt of the impact when his parachutes tangled. (CBS)

Controversial crucifix creates rift at Warr Acres church

‘Pubic’ Enemy Megan Barnes Caused Keys Crash by Shaving Bikini Line While Driving

Man Dies in Tragic Thanksgiving Accident

CHICAGO HEIGHTS– A man accidentally shot himself in the head Thursday afternoon in front of others during a Thanksgiving Day family gathering

William Agee, 30, of Buena Vista Ave., was pronounced dead at St. James Hospital and Health Centers in Chicago Heights at 5 p.m., the Cook County Medical Examiner’ aid.

The incident happened at 1661 School St. in Chicago Heights at 4:35 p.m., according to Chicago Heights Police Lt. Michael Romano.

“He thought the safety was on, put the gun to his head, squeezed the trigger and that was that,” Romano said.

Romano said the incident happened in front of other people. An autopsy is scheduled.

“Tragic accident” - yeah, as in tragically f’ing stupid.

Source: WBBM 780

A drug dealer named The Spider is wondering why his Jesus Christ still hasn’t appeared in Dallas.

Drug dealer’s wait for Jesus denied by federal agents

Australian fined for buckling in beer, not child

Penis theft panic hits city..